February 14, 2024 by Sahiba Jassal (‘24)
I’m sure many of us know about, and even relate to, the toxic and confusing modern relationship culture. Talking stages, casual dating, the dreaded situationships- how do we navigate this? What does it mean if they left me on “delivered” for 2 days? Are they playing hard to get or not wanting to be gotten at all? Did they walk in front of me on their way to get a tissue in class to get my attention or because it was the fastest route? Why do they play Lego Fortnite with me all night and then ignore me in person the next day? So many questions! Luckily for you, Sahiba has answers. On this special Valentine’s Day I’m here to provide you lonely lovebirds a legend to navigate the map of love. Naturally, you don’t want to scare them off by being too forward, so I’m revealing to you my clients’ (Did I mention I’m a professional matchmaker?) favorite subtle tricks to help your crush fall for you: The “Three Ss”.
Our first S is “sabotage.” For sabotage you need to wait for the perfect moment- it’s not something that can be done on just any day. Wait for a day you’re taking a quiz or test in class with your crush. If they get up at any point to go to the bathroom, you have your chance! Go over to their desk and change their answers. Being sneaky is key! This way when they get their exam back, you can offer to help explain the right answer to them and even console them over their failing grade. Maybe they’ll even cry on your shoulder- how sweet! Little do they know….
For the second S we have “steal.” I’ve found that the best objects to steal from a crush are pencils- or just any frequently used school supplies in general. This way in class, when they have nothing to write with, you can generously offer your pencil. (Insider tip #1: spray perfume or cologne on the pencil so it smells like you!) Now, they’ll be forced to have an interaction with you, therefore acknowledging your existence! Everytime they use that pencil they’ll be sure to think of you.
The final S in the “Three Ss” stands for “stalk,” my personal favorite. The best part is, you don’t even need to have a class with them! For stalking there are many ways to go about this, but the easiest is to track their location. You could do this on Snapchat, if you both have it and their location is on, or better yet, you could place a tracking device on their backpack. (Insider tip #2: Apple AirTags can notify someone if they’re being followed so use another tracker.) You could slip it into their bag in class or if you see them in the hallway. By knowing their location at all times, you can know where they live and what they like to do! For example, if they go to a specific gym you can infer they like to work out. When you see them next you can slip your mutual love for their activities into the conversation and have something to bond over.
In the end, though, remember that romantic love isn’t everything in life. If your crush doesn’t take the hint from these incredibly well written and proven-true tips, they may not be the one for you. That’s okay. Sahiba is always here for you. At least if you’re single you’re not like that one junior couple that is always wearing matching camo outfits and nuzzling noses in the D-wing hallway.