February 10, 2025 by Ava Tatum (‘25)
When I was told we were doing a Valentines edition of the paper, I knew I had to help out the poor students at school with one thing, love. So, here’s my expert (and slightly satirical) advice for that pesky date that some of us just dread, February 14th. I know that the angry mob is going to accuse me of not being qualified, but I’m the most qualified person to talk about this. I’ve had like 3 situationships and 5 (thousand) crushes this year. I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing.
You have to start off small, keep it simple with something we all know about, crushes. Maybe it’s that guy in physics or even just some girl that you pass in the hallways on A days. Either way, you want to talk to this person, but how? The first step is to forget this crush mentality, you aren’t “into” them, you’re already in a relationship with them. Start telling your friends that you’re seeing someone, wave at them in the hallway, strike up conversations like you’ve known each other your whole life. It’s a surefire way to pique someone’s interest, for example, I’m seeing three people right now, they don’t know it, but I do.
Okay, so you’re mentally dating this person, now you actually have to talk to them, but what do you talk about? Most people will tell you to find common interests, but that’s so played out. I think you need to do the opposite. Find out what they’re interested in and then just dunk on them. They play soccer? Go to their games and start booing them from the crowd. They like to paint? Rip one of their pieces to shreds. Nobody wants to talk about that person who has the same music taste as them, they want to tell their friends about the girl in their French class who won’t stop making fun of their favorite movie.
So, you’ve sealed the deal, you’re dating this person, you’re having conversations, they’re telling their friends, parents, and therapist about you. Now what? Now it’s time to pop the question, “Will you be my Valentine?” is lame, don’t do that. Take a different, more forward approach, get down on one knee, hire a mariachi band, let doves loose in the school, post an ad, advertising yourself in the school newspaper. You have to do something that draws attention and really helps you stick out from the crowd.
I hope some of these tips helped you get that special someone this Valentine’s Day. I told everyone at The Lightning Rod that this article is “satire”, but if you know me in real life you know that I’ve used all of these tricks with great success. And if you’re reading this we are already dating, I hate all your hobbies, and I already have a limousine rented and a private concert with your favorite musician. See you Friday! XOXO, Ava <3.