March 31, 2025 by Ava Tatum (‘25)
I’ve done a lot of silly things this year; that’s why The Rod asks me to write satires, not just any old Joe-Schmo could come up with the comedic genius line: “I’m seeing three people right now, they don’t know it, but I do”. If you don’t know me, you probably think that this self-absorbed, unaware, boy-crazy personality is just that, a personality. Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s not. For this very special (and hopefully funny? I’m not sure I’m writing this a week in advance) edition of The Lightning Rod, I present to you, the silliest things I’ve done (and will continue to do) this year.
– Barack Obama: If a secret service agent came into my room, they’d be mildly disturbed by the amount of Obama paraphernalia I own. I actually don’t even know where this obsession started, but it’s a joke (I think). The way that I see it is that every teenage girl needs to have a strange or obscure person to obsess over, so I chose Obama.
– Communes: Earlier this year I had a crush on a guy that wanted to live on a commune (a group of people that live together and have shared property and responsibilities) and I told my friends that I also wanted to live on a commune. They all laughed because they thought that I was just being my old “boy-crazy” self, but guys, I’m SO serious. I’ve wanted to live on a commune longer than he’s even known the definition of the word. If my plans of becoming a teacher fail, catch me on a farm with strangers in 5 years.
– Venn Diagrams: Speaking of boy-crazy, one of my friends created a Venn diagram outlining “people that have me blocked on Instagram” (for good reasons) and “people in my Sports Rhetoric class” since then, I’ve been exclusively using Venn Diagrams to express myself (I have been told that I don’t know how Venn Diagrams work, which is completely plausible).
– The Weezer Shirt: If you’re not deeply ingrained into male-manipulator culture, Weezer is a popular indie rock band from the 2000s. A few weeks ago I wore a Weezer shirt and one of my friends asked me if I had lost a bet because they thought there was no way I would willingly wear a Weezer shirt to school. They were wrong, I didn’t lose a bet, I just love Weezer.
– Giving Someone a Shiny Penny: I think the friend who came up with this bit will be really mad at me for claiming it as my own, but she doesn’t write for the newspaper, I do. Whenever I really want something or want someone to do something for me, I offer to give them the only amount of money I have, a shiny penny. Fellas, expect a lot of shiny penny offers from me this prom season.
If you enjoy my satire articles and are still under the impression that this is just a character I do, then I have some advice for you, never meet your heroes. (P.S. If you can guess who the commune, Instagram, Venn Diagram guy is before April 2nd, well then dear reader, I have one shiny penny with your name written all over it.)