March 31, 2025 by Elias Prodger (‘26)
Woman From the SSHS Announcements Hosts Hit Game Show “Name That Cancelled Bus!!!”
At approximately 1:10 PM every weekday, the students of Saratoga Springs High School gather in their respective classrooms to take part in the brilliant new game show “Name That Cancelled Bus!!!” In the moments leading up to the announcement, a spirited argument takes place between students on what the lucky number bus will be picked today. “It’s got to be in the 440’s today!” Jimmy John V decrees. “No! No! You got this dead wrong, my heart’s telling me to bet it all on 481” Suzy Smith passionately argues. All discourse grinds to a halt as that familiar yet forceful bell is amplified across the schools’ speakers.
From the administration’s office, the woman from the announcements, dressed in her best Drew Carrey tuxedo, steps up to the microphone with a small slip of paper, preparing to announce the winner of today’s lottery. With a deep breath, she announces buses 481 and 442 have been cancelled today.
Jimmy and Suzy sprint towards each other in utter euphoria, jumping up and down embracing each other for their victory. As the celebration continues, the 5 students in the back of class all immediately get on the phone with their mom as they now need a new way to get home.
House Democrats Sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” as Trump is declared “Supreme Commander”
The House chamber Wednesday was filled with sweet melodies as a Republican backed bill would officially name Donald Trump the “Supreme Commander of The United States.” As every single Republican and multiple Democrats voted yes on the bill, a section of the Democratic caucus spontaneously broke into song, singing the John Lennon classic “Imagine.” The moment was bittersweet as many of congress members were friends with Lennon’s parents when he was born in 1940.
In response to the vote in the house, Democratic Senate Leader Chuck Shumer was vehement in his discontent for the bill. “We won’t let this happen in America, when the bill comes to the Senate, we may even sing the Whitesnake song ‘We Aren’t Gonna Take It’!”
JD Vance leads Army Equipped with Hotdog Cannons into Canada
In an unprecedented move of sausage-based warfare, Vice President J.D. Vance has led an armada across Lake Erie into Toronto. The Navy, riding atop a massive fleet of bass, have an endless supply of hot dogs to supply the cannons in hand. The Navy entered the city in a bald eagle shaped formation in head-to-toe Uncle Sam cosplay.
The confrontation on the coast of Toronto ended in a swift American defeat that sent the troops packing. In a post battle interview, Vance stated “The Canadians just seemed so friendly we didn’t have the willpower to take over the city.” A battle that sought to Americanize our northern neighbor ended in every American soldier returning home with a goodie bag with maple syrup.
President Trump’s Surprise Birthday Party Leaked to Lightning Rod Editor through Government Group Chat
In an unprecedented leak of a government birthday party celebration, the logistics of President Donald Trump’s surprise birthday party have been leaked to distinguished Lightning Rod editor, Elias Prodger. The leak comes a mere week after classified war plans were leaked to Atlantic Editor Jeffery Goldberg on a government group chat.
Prodger felt a buzz in his pocket late Wednesday night as he was boarding his private jet, and looked down to see messages from a group chat including almost every federal cabinet member except Pete Hegseth. The group chat was flooded with party plans. A balloon arrangement in the shape of a Russian flag, a mountain of big macs and McDonalds kids’ toys, and a plethora of MAGA party hats. Prodger was flabbergasted and quickly emailed Editor-in-Chief Olivia Clemmensen about his new information.