April 28, 2025 by Ava Tatum (‘25)
Usually, my satires are funny and lighthearted, but sorry, sorry, this is a serioustical. I fear I need to be more genuine. My first apology is to everyone I’ve ever said the phrase “if you tell anyone I [did/said] this I’ll tell them you’re a crazy liar”. Not because the threat isn’t real, just because after I texted that to you, I most likely texted all of my friends and family about the situation. So, sorry about that.
My second apology is to anyone who has worked on a group project with me. I like to complain about procrastinators, but I don’t think I’ve ever lifted a finger in a group project. I’m a project princess, I just like to sit around and pretend to type on my computer, but I’m actually doing online typing tests (my high score is 80 WPM, I dare you to beat me).
My third apology is to the patrons and coworkers of Starbucks- I know I’m not very good at my job and want to be able to make a macchiato faster. Honestly, I wish I knew what went in a macchiato, but we all need to get used to the fact that it’s not going to happen. Nonetheless, I am sorry and the jokes I make about being voted for the quarterly “worst barista” award aren’t really jokes.
My fourth apology is to any guy (or girl) that I have ever been attracted to (or will be attracted to in the future). My advice if you don’t want to be psychologically tortured by a mad woman is just don’t be in my line of sight. It’s quite simple. Either way, I’m taking accountability and if you or a loved one were personally victimized by me, you may be entitled to compensation.
My fifth and final apology is to you, dear reader, because I’ve been lying this entire time. I’m not sorry, who would call an article “serioustical”? The only thing I’m sorry for is that you wasted your precious time spent on The Lightning Rod website reading this article instead of sending me fan mail.
If you ever feel the need to apologize to me because of the lack of appreciation you’ve been giving me, my address is… just kidding. The haters would like that too much.