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Satire: A student writes an admissions letter to a college

Wednesday, January 28, 2015 by Sydney Wertheim

Dear college:

Ever since I was young, I have always dreamed of attending college so I could be indebted in loans until I am 70. Please accept me so I can attend your amazing institution!

I am valedictorian of my class of 75,000. Every class I have taken since I was four has been AP. My family are refugees from Somalia, so we could not afford a computer or even pens to write with. This has to do with the fact that my parents only make about $200 dollars a year in the underground mole city we live in. Therefore, I am writing this application in blood. I hope that is okay. Anyway, back to my transcript. I am president of every club in my school, and created the national honor society. You may be thinking, how is that possible, it is 2014? Well you guessed it: I am also a time traveler. I was the one who gave Back to the Future the idea for the DeLorean time machine. In fact, I wrote and directed Back to the Future. Additionally, I created my own company, where I create robots for the future generation. I donate ALL of my proceeds to charity. I am a nice person like that. I got a 2400 on my SAT’s and I did not even take them. I am a shape shifter so if you are interested in an African American candidate–I am yours! I can also be Caucasian, Asian, or Latino if you prefer. Let me know-I am flexible! I have read many books, I am constantly reading as I study for all of the exams I get A’s on. I began my volunteering services in the womb because I believe it is never too early to learn! Additionally, Mother Theresa is on my speed dial from the grave. Yeah, we are close. Lastly, no one in my family has ever gone to college, or even knows anyone who has gone to college. Yet, I know so much about college through my natural brilliance and skills with people. I have done all of these things even though I’m only 17– and my brain has not even fully developed yet. I self taught myself everything I know, and am prepared to answer any questions you might have. The only problem is that my correspondence might take a few weeks to reach you-the only mail carrier in my town is technically a dog.

Thank you so much for the consideration!

Sincerely,

A prospective student

Admissions Decision: Rejected: Although you have some attractive qualities, the admissions committee has decided that as a whole we cannot accept you into our college at this time; we do not wish you success in any of your future studies.

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