March 27, 2023 by Mazie Neville (‘24)
My neighbor is a Fishman. He is in a fish community. And he is in several committed fish relationships. Shockingly enough, these relationships are not entirely one-sided. Fish have the surprising ability to recognize people, and not only do they acknowledge their friends, but they know their enemies. Although it is a fairly common myth that a goldfish can’t remember having just turned around, they can hold a grudge for months. Some other species never let things pass. While it is accepted that most fish judge, they go about recognizing the victim of their disdain in different fashions. Knife Fish can recognize a human’s “electric signature,” and Pea Puffers just “seem to know.” In conclusion, fish are the perfect pet for those who would like to be judged constantly and rarely shown affection.
My neighbor, Sam Oplinger, is ostensibly one of those people. Everyone got into some type of hobby during quarantine. Most people tried their hand at baking, or knitting, or reading. Apparently, some people did fish. People…plural. There is an entire community of Fishmen out there. They share tips and tricks over the internet and some even compete in aqua-scaping competitions. In these intense competitions, people are placed in a large showroom where they race to assemble fish tanks and often get sponsorships from fancy brands. Apparently, there are “label whore[s]” everywhere and the clash-of-the-fish is no exception. As far as Oplinger can ascertain, the “only difference between a fifty-dollar light and a two-thousand-dollar one is the sticker on the side.” According to Oplinger, the most critical thing isn’t the light or materials themselves, but rather “how you utilize [them].”
Sam Oplinger is definitely utilizing his materials correctly. He currently has over 30 tanks which are home to more than 60 different species of fish. Through all these fish and all this time, the biggest challenge that Oplinger faced was persuading “the pet store to let [him] sell them fish.” Pet stores, in this case Benson’s and Benson’s Fish Room, have a very high code at which they maintain their fish.
Not only do they need to worry about the specific fish, but they must also evaluate the fish’s lineage. It is surprisingly easy to create a mutant fish that rights itself visually after one generation, but may be infertile or have other hidden ailments. The specifics on how to concoct such a fish will not be shared, for the good of America and the world. It is also unlikely that the average customer would be able to regularly provide fish that the store doesn’t already have monitored and consistent access to. However, guaranteeing this relationship was a necessary pain because without being able to sell his fish for store credit, Oplinger would never have been able to maintain the financially draining hobby. Just a helpful note: when looking for a lucrative profession, probably don’t pick fish.
However, once again, when seeking something aesthetically judgmental, fish are a perfect choice. This is how Sam’s wife, Lauren Oplinger, chooses to view it. For her, “the fish are nice to look at and they make [her] happy because they make Sam happy.” Lauren looks at the fish from a less serious and scientific standpoint. Her personal favorite fish tank is the Gourami – guppy tank because “they are sparkly,” whereas Sam’s personal favorite is a very complicated Apistogramma cacatuoides named Daddy Warbucks.
Unfortunately, not everyone has such a majestic experience with fish. Carlie Friedman, a Saratoga junior, has owned two separate Bettas and both have independently, and uniquely, committed suicide. The first jumped out of the tank, and the second hung itself on the filter cord. The second was one committed fish because that is a difficult feat to accomplish. Oddly enough, a large percentage of the Saratoga student population seems to possess kamikaze Betta fish. This is usually due to poor water quality that cause the fish’s lungs to burn up due to ammonium. To prevent this, Oplinger suggests “slowly acclimating your fish to its new home and learning about the nitrogen cycle.”
Katie Henry, another Saratoga junior, also has experience with Betta fish. In this instance, Sam has absolutely no wisdom to offer. Katie has had the same fish, Ramsey, since she was five. She has always taken really good care of him, and he has lived with her for the past ten years. Only he hasn’t. Ramsey has really been four entirely different fish. The immortal fish has only been truly immortal in spirit and in Henry’s parents’ fantastic substitution skills.
These common errors and misconceptions demonstrate a lack of proper representation of fish in the media. To Sam deciphering the conflicting information was “a fun part of the process.” Oplinger admits that some of the misconceptions got him at first too, which should be a reminder not to get discouraged. There is no such thing as a perfect Fishman, but my neighbor is pretty close.