April 1, 2026 by Sarah Pipino (‘26)
Ah, young love. One of life’s greatest pleasures: two teenagers, helplessly infatuated with each other. Countless songs, films, and myths all the way back to the olden days (like Harry Styles and Taylor Swift’s relationship back in the 2010s – ancient history) center their focus on this youthful romance trope. Almost every teen wishes to find the one, who will let them live out their Romeo and Juliet dreams, minus the ending. And not only Romeo and Juliet, of course. Some Romeos may find their Romeos and Juliets will discover their own Juliets. Or Romeo may find someone who feels like neither Romeo nor Juliet, or Juliet has no need for a Romeo or Juliet, or- this is getting too complicated.
Anyways, if you think you’ve found your star-crossed lover, here’s a checklist to make sure your relationship is as healthy and happy as it can ever be!
1.) You two are always willing to share your food: Whether it’s splitting a milkshake with two straws or letting you steal as many fries as you want from their plate even though you said you “weren’t hungry,” this is one of the most basic ways to know if your partner is serious about you. They should insist that you try their food every meal, just to see if you’ll like it. It doesn’t matter if you two ordered the same dish, or even if you’re allergic to shellfish and your partner got a massive shrimp cocktail – if they do not try their absolute hardest to get you to eat that shrimp, then you can know without a doubt they’re not invested. You deserve that shrimp. Just keep your EpiPen close.
2.) Both of you discuss regularly and extensively about past relationships: I’m not talking about a light mention or joke about why it didn’t work out, or even a small vulnerable moment about past problems. I’m talking that you’ve heard each other’s exes’ names enough that you half-believe you’re the one who dated them! This takes trust to a whole other level. Every meal, every second of time talking, should have something to do with your ex or theirs – it’s called trauma bonding for a reason. (Don’t look up trauma bonding. I give you my word that it is a completely healthy attachment style!)
*Just a little tip, make sure you mention the reason for every single past breakup on the first date so your potential suitor won’t make the same mistakes.
3.) You two are willing to show emotional vulnerability: What is a relationship if not a diary personified? Who needs “healthy coping mechanisms” like journaling or deep breathing when you could just show your beau every emotion you’ve ever experienced? Make sure they see you at your angriest and saddest so they know how unafraid you are of emotional availability. This is the ultimate test to see if they’re ready to commit to your future together or not.
4.) You’ve basically swapped closets at this point: Your clothes are their clothes, and theirs are yours. Your beloved should, in every situation, wear your clothes as a physical reminder of the endless love you have for each other. Literally just swap whatever outfits you two were planning on wearing, and the entire world will know how proud you are of your relationship. So, to all readers not currently in a relationship, if you see a man with a shoe size of 13 men’s wearing a women’s 7, just know that it’s entirely normal. That is true dedication right there.
5.) You two are completely off-limits to anyone else: Cheating is horrible, obviously. But a truly healthy relationship takes it a step further. Let’s say you’re a straight girl in a relationship, and another boy has the audacity to ask you a question about a chemistry lab procedure. What do you do? Just scream. Your screaming will scare him away, and any other people who had the crazy notion that you’d ever be unfaithful to your sweetheart. Your sweetheart will trust you, and you will never be asked stupid questions again (I mean really, what did that kid think was going to happen? The only person you have chemistry with is your partner.)
Some people might classify this is horrible advice, and to that I rebuke by saying they’ve never experienced true love. You can take my word for it – the success rates for those who I’ve given this advice to is 99.9%.
Meaning 99.9% stayed in their relationship for one week and then got broken up with. This proves the effectiveness of my methods, however, because it protected them from accidentally falling into a relationship that wasn’t meant to be! You’re welcome and good luck as you venture on your journey of love!