Satire: “Devious Licks and the Attack on Bathroom Liberty”

By Catherine Mongan 

Bathrooms used to be the place students would go to relax, kick back after a couple of hard classes, spend some time with friends, maybe take a quick nap to recharge for physics. Now, from the students’ perspective, the school bathrooms are reminiscent of Azkaban, with monitors and dementors guarding every door. 

Students must sign their name on a sheet before and after leaving the bathroom. This sheet of potential suspects unnerves most students, including junior Emily Bush. 

“I avoid the bathrooms now, not just because of the devious licking, but because of the signing in and out. I don’t want to get caught up in something bad because I went to the bathroom at the wrong time,” said Bush. “It is annoying not being able to go to the bathroom.” 

Senior Sadie McBain is also feeling the squeeze.  

McBain said, “I need to use the bathroom. Now.” 

McBain sums up most seniors’ feelings well.  

“I miss being able to go to the bathroom and pee in peace,” said senior Ella Kurto. It just feels wrong using the school bathrooms now. So, I don’t.”  

Kurto refused to comment on how she manages her bladder without a midday bathroom break. 

Both Kurto and McBain agree that the unruly underclassmen are to blame for tightening restrictions on bathroom use.  

“The freshman and sophomores are the ones committing these crimes, yet we all are subjected to the consequences,” said McBain. 

Kurto compared it to the ducks in Congress Park: “Just because a couple of the ducks are super aggressive and peck you when you don’t continue to give them french fries doesn’t mean the rest of the ducks deserve to go french fry-less,” said Kurto. 

Keegan Reinhart is a freshman, but she is sitting out the devious licking. She has seen the ugly result: no soap and soap dispensers. During the Covid-19 pandemic, Reinhart is disappointed that these are the items stolen by her peers. 

“I need to use the bathroom, so I’m still going to go, but it would be nice to be able to properly wash my hands afterwards,” said Reinhart. “And seriously, soap dispensers? Couldn’t they at least try to steal something cool, like a sink?” 

She has a point. 

Devious licking has died down since the beginning of the school year, due to intervention by school administration and the law. While other TikTok trends have surfaced, devious licking remains in our hearts, minds, and in the tightened rules around bathroom usage.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *