April 1, 2026 by Julia Clemmensen (‘29)
I am pleased to be the one to inform you: Mercury is finally out of retrograde, so we can stop crying now! I know you were all very upset. And guess what? This month’s full moon (called the pink moon) is happening tonight, April 1, so don’t miss it. The good thing is that this full moon is in the sign of Libra, which means it will send an energy that might actually allow you to do well in the relationship department! Isn’t that great news? I know, you don’t usually come across that much. But, if you don’t charge your crystals tonight under that full moon… girl, you’re cooked because the witches are going to come find you and probably put a hex on you. So, you better do so or face the consequences of your actions.
Personally, I’d choose to charge some rose quartz, and I cleanse it before putting it under the moonlight. In my opinion, gathering a group of friends, sitting in a circle around your crystals, and singing a medieval folk song used to bring out spiritual energy is the most effective way to cleanse them. And, oh! I almost forgot, make sure to also light exactly 12 pink candles and put them in a circle around your crystals too. But you must listen to me when I say this; if you are a Taurus sun, Pisces rising, or Aquarius moon, you cannot participate in that activity. I’m just like, catching not good vibes from you guys. And trust me, I know a bad vibe.
Anyway, happy Aries season and beginning of the yearly zodiac cycle! Since Google and science is completely unnecessary when we have witchcraft as our source of evidence, I obviously was able to tell you it’s Aries season right now ( I keep an ancient scroll under my pillow that helps me memorize the order of all the 12 zodiac seasons through my dreams while I sleep).
The nighttime is very spiritual, mostly because it is where the stars and moon are visible, cultivating a kind of energy, but additionally, if you stay up to 4:04 AM you might also see some of us witches turning into black cats and roaming the streets. If you do stay up to see that happen, don’t be alarmed though, because in the morning we’ll be in our human form and ready to tell you complete misinformation and propaganda we think might be going on with the stars.
But I promise you it’s real, like, I promise.
No, you have to listen to me—I promise the time at and location in which you were born is directly tied to how your day is going to play out, I swear.