April 1, 2026 by Elias Prodger (‘26)
LOCAL
Participatory Budgeting Vote Plagued by Mass Voter Fraud
A Lightning Rod investigation has obtained the voter records for the district’s recent Student Participatory Budgeting Election, uncovering large swaths of voter irregularities. Among the issues found in the voter rolls, multiple students who had entered the school illegally were found to vote 50 times for the cafeteria grill, representing 25% of its total votes. Additionally, hundreds of deceased former students were found in the voter rolls with registered votes for the privacy dividers in the bathroom. One student council member, who requested to be unnamed in this piece, held a rally at the Four Seasons Urinal Divider Plant in Colonie NY, railed against the papers report, calling the investigation “a fraud on the student population” and a “total hoax.” The school administration refused to announce a clear winner in the wake of the investigation, with a pro urinal divider protest scheduled outside the main office on Thursday.
NATIONAL
Trump Nominates Internet Personality “Clavicular” to Lead Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Following Dr. Oz Departure
During a press conference on Tuesday, President Trump announced his pick to fill the vacancy at the Centers For Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS); prominent internet personality Brendan Peters, known by his internet name Clavicular. Following the leave of former Administrator Dr Oz, who left the agency in order to pursue his latest business venture selling magic beans outside the National Arboretum, Oz recommended Clavicular to Trump after working to approve Clavicular’s patented Bone Smashing technique by the FDA. In his press conference, surrounded by both Clavicular and Oz, Trump described his appointee as “One of the most important philosophers of our time” as well as a “quite attractive”. Critics of the move cite Claviculars history of degrading comments towards women and affinity for Nazism as disqualifying, but Trump stood by his nominee in a Truth Social Post describing the critics as “Beta Male Chuds.”
Ye Releases Collaborative AI Track with Morgan Wallen and “The Rizzler” on New Album, Bully
Bully, the new album by Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, released his latest album Bully on Saturday morning, opening with a AI produced track “Bound 2, II” featuring a hook from country star Morgan Wallen as well as a rap verse from internet personality, “The Rizzler.” The hook, a sample of the “A Day The Nazi Died,” an obscure B-side 1990’s one hit wonder Chumbawamba is sung by Wallen in-between verses by both Ye and “The Rizzler.” Ye, whose voice is carried through an Ai emulation of his voice, goes from a stream of consciousness delivery that switches between his ex wife Kim Kardashian and his distaste for paper straws. “The Rizzler’s” verse aims for a more serious tone, opting for a pseudo history lesson of the Armenian genocide and its lasting effect on Kurdish diplomacy in the region. The track has reached number 5 on the Billboard country charts.
WORLD
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Orders Israeli Forces to Seize Iranian Heinekin Reserves
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Monday that in a joint military with the Isreali Defense Force (IDF), the United States has begun a full scale invasion of Iranian Heineken reserves in the northeast of the country near Mashhad. The reserves of Heinkein beer, totaling nearly 10,000 gallons of newly imported ale, Hegseth has described the reserves as “Weapons of Mass Consumption” and necessary to maintain the Pentagons day to day operations. Senator Chuck Shumer pushed back against this military action, arguing that the military should instead target the large reserves of IPA’s near the capital of Tehran. The white house has pushed back on this assertion, with press secretary Karoline Levitt describing the argument as “the exact woke Portland mentality that ICE is meant to destroy.”
Iran Offers Renaming of Strait of Hormuz and Bulldozing Central Mosque For New Golf Course In Latest Peace Negotiations
The Iranian Authority on Tuesday announced its latest negotiation contract, which includes renaming the Strait of Hormuz after President Trump as well as building a brand new Trump branded golf course on the Grand Mosalla of Tehran, Iran’s largest mosque. The move comes after a week’s long blockade of the Strait and consistent bombings between the US and Israel against Iranian territory. In a statement given to The Onion, the Iranian Ayatollah cited the FIFA peace prize as a “wonderful piece of international diplomacy” and proposed plans for the golf course, stocked with gold tees and golf clubs as well as sand pits designed to mimic the shape of Trump’s hair. Trump responded to the move on Truth Social, posting “I am very impressed with the latest Iranian proposal,” adding he would like to change the straits name to the “Strait of The Donald, Sponsored by Palantir.”